Tag Archives: beliefs

No One Else Can Talk You Out of This

No One Else Can Talk You Out of This
No One Else Can Talk You Out of This

I just got home from my weekly session with my therapist, Janet. There are some sessions that seem to have the sole purpose of listening to how much garbage comes out of your mouth. And this is a good purpose – because when you actually say it out loud in sentences, instead of accepting it as a constant garbled hum in your mind, you see exactly what’s being said and how terrible it really is.
Some samples of beliefs I expressed in the session:
I cannot start learning something new because I will look too pathetic in the early stages.
It doesn’t matter how I look for the rest of my life because I didn’t look how I wanted when I wanted to.
It’s cooler to have friends who like you for your body or skills than for your personality.
I’m too old to ___________.
I can’t have a “normal life” until I ____________.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhh. Miserable just to read, forget live with everyday.
So, I found myself saying some of these things as if I were expecting my therapist to give me 8,000 “oh, sweetie, of course not”s. As if that would just knock those silly thoughts right out of my head, for good, banished, as if they had never affected me.

But… When you’ve read as many amazing, beautiful books as I have, listened to as many brilliant speakers, done workshops and retreats.. You have to realize that it’s not about someone telling you the right thing enough times. Of course, hearing the right thing at the right time can be very helpful, and can sometimes make the difference. But as for long-term change, that is going to be based on YOU putting in consistent effort towards owning up to your true beliefs and making a conscious decision about continuing to endorse them or not. You don’t get to say you believe there are things much more important than being thin, act as if you believe the opposite, and then lament that you continue to have eating issues. If you are acting as if being thin is what matters most, this requires inquiry; denial will only lead to going through the motions of someone who believes there are more important things, and sooner or later collapsing into the underlying belief with self-hatred and likely bingeing. As usual, the problem there would not be the bingeing, which is always the side effect, but rather, it would be the failure to acknowledge that the damaging underlying belief is still reigning.

When you’ve got a damaging belief in charge, you must ask yourself what the benefit is of continuing to hold the belief.

So let’s see: Why would I want to continue to believe that you cannot be truly loved or wanted unless you are thin?
When I imagine dressing and acting as if my acceptability is not dependent on my weight, I sense a fear basically that others will mentally laugh at me for “trying to be” cute or normal or sexy or feminine when clearly I am not (because I am not thin). So at least 2 things are implied here: Cute, normal, sexy, feminine = thin, and, I am afraid of others judging me as a failure, trying to be something I’m not.

Again, at this point, you might imagine kind others and the better part of yourself saying, “oh, you know those things are not true. You don’t have to be thin to be those things, don’t worry about what others think.” But it takes more than that. You already know the truth here – the question is why you are not willing to live it out. For me, I think it is that fear of mockery, exclusion..

And at that point, I must ask myself: Okay. Is avoiding that hypothetical mockery and exclusion worth feeling bad about food and my body for the rest of my life? Is being safe worth losing the life I really want?

After high school’s over, who would really want to be around anyone who would meanly mock someone in real life? When you’re not a trapped kid anymore, you can realize that people who make fun of other people like that will likely make fun of you too sooner or later, and you can choose to find people who are not like that, who actually enjoy each other. It’s not a matter of not being cool, it’s a matter of not being desperate. You only feel like you need to be “cool” or “sexy” more than you need anything else, when you don’t really feel like you have anything else. Hence the other old well-known fact, when people insult you it’s all about them. Only someone who feels they have no value other than their looks would make fun of a woman dressing as she likes at any size.

So don’t just wait for the things you already know to eventually “click,” after the next book, blog post, workshop, streak of “doing a good job.” It’s deeper than that. We’re talking subconscious, OLD, deep beliefs that are wired with fear. They require active, continuous confrontation, and ultimately a decision about what’s worth believing.

Re-program yourself for the greatness you want to live now and for the rest of your life.
<3 Judy

Start Right Now

Start Right Now
Start Right Now

The reasons we give for waiting for “the right time” can be utterly convincing. That’s why overcoming the habit of waiting is not a matter of talking your reasons down. For example, say you’ve had the intention to begin meditating each day, but keep feeling that you just do not have the time. You are not going to overcome this by telling yourself, “Yes, I do have the time. I am not really that busy.” Rather, what will change is the value you place on the meditation.

The fact is, our deepest values determine how we spend our time. Each second of it. I always think of how I act when I’m about to cross a street: every single time, I make sure to see that there is no danger before I move. No matter what mood I’m in, no matter how tired, no matter what is going on in my life, I make sure to go through this ritual EVERY time I cross a street. The reason I think of this is that it shows me that I am capable of consistently acting according to my deepest values. In this case, the value is safety.

When it comes to physical survival, yes, there is a built-in, instinctual response. But a 2-year-old still might not look before crossing a street – it’s a learned belief. If someone convinced us that the cars in front of us were holograms, we would be able to move our bodies right in front of the “traffic” despite our conditioning. So while our bodies do have physical responses to danger, our minds are ultimately in control. We are in charge of what we define as reality and how we react to it. We are in charge of uncovering our deepest beliefs and values, understanding who and what installed them inside us, and which to let go, which to support.

What are you valuing when you don’t stick to a commitment?

In myself, I’ve noticed this type of response: “I don’t HAVE to do anything.” “I don’t have to do something just because it’s supposed to be good for me.” “I don’t want to.” “I don’t feel like it.” “It doesn’t prove anything if I don’t keep up with it.”
These responses seem quite defensive.. And they also don’t seem to be in my best interest. They seem to be in a child’s voice, a child who doesn’t want to be told what to do. I certainly had a lifetime’s worth of doing what I was told, doing what was “good for me” all of my growing-up years. It makes sense that I wouldn’t want to be told one more thing. However, the difference now is that I am trying to guide myself. Now, if I were to stick to a commitment such as meditating daily, the message would be: “I do this practice as a way of loving myself, and being my self,” not “I do this practice because I HAVE to, because I’m bad if I don’t.”
As soon as I lose touch with the idea that I am trying to create a healthy way of being for myself, my default belief of “I am being forced to do something” takes over and I rebel.

This is just one example of old beliefs and values that sabotage present progress. If you find yourself setting an intention, and coming up with reason after reason to put it off, try to do some exploration into what you are valuing at the time. What are you believing is truly more important than being yourself? You can’t check your email enough times to eventually feel joy, and you can’t even spend so much time on your family that you make them happy. What you can do is get closer and closer with yourself, which naturally leads to more peace and more fulfilled human potential. This will take care of everything else.

Translate your deepest values into how you spend your time. Whether or not you eat with kindness is equivalent to whether or not you would get yourself to a hospital if you were wounded, in that how you handle both situations is an indication of how much you value yourself. There’s no such division between “everyday life” and “crucial moments.” You’re in control of your actions, and every single action, even how you are holding your body right now, how you are breathing right now, how much attention you are paying to what you are reading right now, each of these reflects the sum of all of your beliefs and values.

Show the world what you’re really made of.

Judy